4 Toxic Relationship Habits that are Often Considered “Normal”
It's easy to get wrapped up in a relationship and think that because things "look good" most of the time, everything must be okay. But the problem with this logic is that most of us wouldn't know what a healthy relationship would look like if it hit us in the face.
We shouldn't take that as a personal insult or failure, though. We have all the rom-com movies, romance novels, and even the parents we grew up with to thank for this. Then again, maybe it's not their fault either. Once something becomes so ingrained in our lives and society, it's as if it becomes normal by default.
The truth is, no matter where we learned these false beliefs about healthy relationships, it's up to us to break the cycle. It's up to us to accept that as much as we've learned to want a partner that makes us "complete," we already are that way.
These toxic relationship habits and mindsets can become so normalized that we often don't catch them, despite their impact on you and your relationship. Breaking the cycle starts with awareness, so be honest about whether you can relate to any of these toxic habits.
Toxic Habit #1: Believing That Intense Conflict Represents Passion
In our society, we often believe that intense conflict is a sign of passion. This is especially true in relationships. We see it all the time in movies and TV shows, where the couple is always arguing and making up, and we think to ourselves, "Wow, they must be in love!"
We might even have a partner who "loves" to argue, explaining at the end of an argument that it's because they just "care so much."
While they may care about you immensely, intense conflict is not a sign of passion. Instead, this type of so-called "passion" is typically tied to deeper issues such as communication or control issues.
If you feel more up and down and angry than you feel consistent and content, remember that's a different type of heated feeling that will leave you burned out.
If you find yourself constantly arguing with your partner, ask yourself why that is and talk to them about it. Communicating openly and non-aggressively is vital to healthy relationships.
Toxic Habit #2: Dropping "Hints" About How You Feel or What You Need
Let's talk about where passive-aggressive communication styles take us. Instead of just saying what we need or feel, we drop "hints" instead.
This could mean anything from acting upset and waiting for them to ask you what's wrong - or worse, expecting them to ask or know what it is. When you become upset over these unmet, unrealistic expectations, it leaves you both in a place of powerlessness and resentment.
If you want to get unstuck, stop setting yourself up for disappointment. Practice assertive communication instead, and tell them what you need in a calm, respectful way.
Toxic Habit #3: Speaking in Absolutes
When we use words like "never" or "always," it's a sure-fire way to set off an argument. That's because speaking in absolutes takes away the gray area - and life is almost always lived in the gray.
For example, if you say to your partner, "you never listen to me," it sounds like an accusation. It sounds like you're saying they never listen (well, because you are), and that's likely untrue.
Not only does speaking in absolutes remove thinking from the equation, but it diminishes the space for resolutions. In other words, you make a predetermined, emotionally-driven statement about your partner or your overall relationship that yields a bigger problem than what you started with.
So what would be a more productive way to say this that doesn't involve pushing your expectation agenda and leaving you both feeling upset?
You could try something like "I feel like I'm not being heard," or "I need you to listen to me." This opens up the conversation for them to share their side and for you both to work together on a resolution.
Toxic Habit #4: Expecting Your Partner to "Fix" Your Emotions or Problems
In a relationship, it's not uncommon to want your partner to be your knight in shining armor - but that's not their job, and it's not healthy for either of you.
Your partner should be someone that you can come to with your problems, but they should not be the one who is constantly trying to solve them. This dependency on them for your emotional well-being or other needs adds unnecessary pressure to their plate.
It's not that they shouldn't contribute to your happiness - but when they are supportive to the point of obligation and exhaustion, it makes them unhappy in the process. And when they're burned out and unable to be there for you fully, you'll only wind up feeling hurt and resentful.
If this is something you're struggling with, it's time to take responsibility for two things: your own emotions and asking your partner for support that doesn't involve dependence or "fixing."
From Toxic Habits to a Healthier Cycle
If any of these toxic habits resonate with you, it's important to take a step back and assess why that might be. Once you become aware of them, you can start to untangle yourself from their hold.
That's where things get exciting - because you can create a new and healthier cycle for yourself. One in which you and your partner can move forward. While you might eventually decide not to move forward together, it's better than taking a step backward or staying stuck where you are.
Remember: this post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you and your personal situation. It shall not be construed as legal, financial, or medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional advice of your own attorney, accountant, physician, or financial advisor. Always check with your own physician, attorney, financial advisor, accountant, or other business or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.
