Setting Boundaries with Family during the Holidays
We all know what it's like to have that one cousin that's a tad intrusive. You know, the one who just offered you unsolicited relationship advice after your recent breakup. Or the mom who likes to make plans for you in front of your Aunt Martha. Just because you're home for the holidays, and she is free tomorrow, doesn't make it okay for her to assume that you are too - no matter how badly she wants to spend time with you.
While your boundaryless family may have good intentions most of the time, that doesn't mean their intentions align with yours. There may be some of you who only wish these were the types of family challenges you had to navigate.
When some family members overstep boundaries, they take it to a whole new level of toxicity. Some families may criticize or manipulate you, and unfortunately, you've experienced it long enough to see what's going on. But the silver lining is now you're aware of the need for family boundaries. So, where do you go from here?
The truth is, you would love nothing more than to spend more time with your family. But as each year passes, it can get harder and harder to deal with - less and less enticing to want to pack your bag and do it all again.
Here are a few tips for setting boundaries with your family, so you can create better moments together by cultivating healthier relationships.
Choose your boundary-battles wisely.
Okay, setting boundaries isn't about confrontation, so maybe battle isn't the best word choice. But this saying may help remind you of what to let slide and what's an absolute no-go for you.
Quite honestly, you don't have to let anything slide! But I say this because part of setting boundaries is knowing where to dedicate your time and energy the most. After all, setting boundaries is about looking out for yourself, so don't go picking battles about things that may not even be worth it to you.
Know and anticipate your triggers.
If you're wondering what your triggers are, they are part of the reason that you're here reading this right now. Who in your family hurts, offends, or gets under your skin the most, and what are they doing to accomplish this?
Maybe it's when your parents start to argue or when your sister guilt trips you about not coming home enough to spend time with your nephew.
Before you set any boundaries, recognize the need for them. This includes knowing your triggers, what emotions they tend to cause, and how you will respond.
In some cases, like an argument between mom and dad that doesn't directly involve you but bothers you, responding doesn't mean saying anything. Instead, it might mean retreating upstairs to color, call a friend, or take a hot bath.
Prepare yourself before you spend time with family so that when something happens that makes your blood boil, you'll be prepared with a game plan - whether it's a list of self-care coping strategies or ways to say “no” or “sayonara”!
Communicate your needs clearly and compassionately.
Often, family members will take your boundaries as a personal attack, so it's important to communicate your needs in a way that inspires compassion and understanding on their part.
You don't need to be angry or confrontational when you communicate your boundaries, as this may only lead to defensiveness and closed ears.
Instead, start with something like, "I feel ____ when you _____. I understand you're trying to ____, but I need _____."
In one straightforward sentence to your family member, you can state your emotion, explain the action or behavior that led to that emotion, show empathy, and communicate your need (a.k.a., set your boundary)!
Whether you show empathy by expressing understanding of their intentions or giving them the benefit of the doubt, don’t forget this step. It's important to convey that the goal is to ultimately benefit a relationship, not end one.
Be prepared for pushback.
There's a good chance that not everyone in your family will be on board with your new boundaries right away - and that's okay. Things may feel a bit awkward at first, too, especially around those who weren't expecting something like this from you.
Receiving pushback doesn't mean that you've failed at setting a boundary or that you need to tell them never mind or apologize. Give your family space to react and adjust, since space is essentially what you're asking of them!
Follow through with your boundaries.
This is probably the hardest part of setting boundaries, but it's also the most important. Once you've set a boundary, you need to enforce it. This means not giving in, backing down, or letting them guilt you into changing your mind.
Remember that you have a right to your feelings, thoughts, and time. Make choices based on what's right for you, and don't feel guilty about the boundaries you set.
By setting boundaries, you're taking a big step toward making family time enjoyable - not just for yourself but for everyone else, even if they don't see it at first!
Remember: this post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you and your personal situation. It shall not be construed as legal, financial, or medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional advice of your own attorney, accountant, physician, or financial advisor. Always check with your own physician, attorney, financial advisor, accountant, or other business or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.
